The Serial Phone-Killer

Do you believe your cell phone is sturdy, or even indestructible? Cell phone companies work hard to build phones that can endure rough use. However, certain customers, like Naveen, find ingenious ways to demonstrate the mortality of these pocket-sized devices that we cannot do without. Naveen, as a cell phone user, is a like a devastating hurricane. No manufacturer would want to design phones to cater to Naveen’s requirements.

Below are few incidents that illustrate Naveen’s destructive abilities.

When Nature Calls

Naveen needed to urinate. When nature calls, one has no choice but to respond. He paused his dvd of ‘Titanic’ at a critical juncture when the ice-berg was about to strike. He strode to the bathroom. He unzipped his jeans, his mind preoccupied with the looming disaster on the ship of dreams. A jarring ring interrupted his thoughts. He felt his pocket vibrate.

He brought out his new Nokia camera phone. The caller was Anjali. Cute and sexy, Anjali. She was one girl whose call he couldn’t refuse. His bladder was full. The ice-berg was about to hit. The Nokia rang insistently, flashing the name Anjali in bold letters across its screen.

Naveen pressed the green button. “He..Hello..” He stammered.

“Naveen,” Her voice sounded so melodious to him. “Where are you?”

“Ha? Umm…umm...I am…” Naveen struggled to find words.

He had a splash sound.

He looked down. The Nokia had transported itself from the palm of his hand into the commode where he was about to deposit his urine. His eyes widened, his mouth hung open.

He stood there frozen stiff. That’s when his bladder ran out of patience and decided to release. A wetness spread inside his jeans. His mind went blank. By force of habit, he pressed the toilet flush.

He stared in horror as the water in the commode got sucked into the orifice at the bottom, taking his Nokia with it. A sound of crunching metal was audible as the Nokia didn’t go down without a fight. The Nokia banged against the sides of the commode as it got sucked down.

Naveen snapped to his senses. He extended his right arm and pulled up the Nokia just before it went inside.

The Nokia gazed back at him like a man on his death bed. The screen was smashed. Several number keys had come off. The edges were chipped. The device was soaked in water.

R.I.P.: Naveen’s Nokia, whose last potential picture would not have been a pretty one.

Laundry Day

Naveen woke up to find himself lying spread-eagled on his bed. His clothes and shoes from last night were still on him. A throbbing pain pounded his head. It felt like his brain was being squeezed and pushed against his skull. His clothes smelled of alcohol. His legs hurt from the dancing.

He made a herculean effort to push himself out of bed. Sunday was laundry day. He slipped off his shirt, jeans and underwear and threw them along with his other dirty clothes into the washer. He staggered across to the bathroom, and stood underneath a hot shower.

After a long bath, he felt like a human again. He decided to check Facebook to see if any pictures from last night’s party had been posted.

He had left his laptop at work on Friday. He smiled. That’s why God made smart phones. The Facebook app on his new Blackberry was a joy to use. He went to his bedside table. No sign of the Blackberry there. He rummaged through his drawers, but to no avail.

Naveen blinked and blinked again. Where was the Blackberry hiding? He scoured every nook and cranny of his apartment but he couldn’t find it. The Blackberry had cost him a buttload of money. It was a fantastic little device. He gulped down a glass of water and sat on the couch.

Yesterday, he made several calls from the club to sync with friends. After that…he couldn’t recollect anything after that.

Suddenly, he snapped his fingers and stood up. The jeans pockets. It had to be there. He took two steps ahead and paused mid-stride. The realization dawned upon him in a flash.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” He shouted. He rushed towards the washer. He swung it open, and grappled through the mass of still-wet t-shirts, shirts, underwear, socks, etc. Amongst them were his jeans from last night.

Then he found the Blackberry, or rather the Device Formerly Known as The Blackberry. It had been reduced to a block of metal that would serve no practical purpose apart from being a paper-weight. The screen was in bits, the battery had come off, the sides were broken. Let’s not even get started on the keyboard.

R.I.P.: Naveen’s Blackberry whose last Facebook update would have been a dramatic one.


Chicken Tikka Masala

It was an event that happened at most once a month. Naveen decided to cook a meal. He had come home early from work and was in the mood for a fresh chicken curry.

However, he needed detailed help. So, he brought out his new iPhone, and called his mother in India. She asked him to use the pressure cooker, a cooking utensil unique to Indians, which vaporized water within a confined space to speed up the cooking process.

With the iPhone pressed to his ear, Naveen chopped onions and tomatoes, mixed spices and stirred the curry as per instructions. He held the prepared chicken pieces in one hand.

His mom ordered. “Put everything inside and shut the cooker for at least two whistles.”

“Okay, ma.”

“I have to go now.” She said. “Just put whatever is left inside and don’t forget to wait till all the steam is released before opening the cooker again.”

“I get it, ma.” Naveen shook his head. He wasn’t a five-year old. He knew steam could burn him.

“Bye, I’ll talk to you later.” His mom disconnected the line.

Naveen removed the iPhone from his ear and put everything into the pressure cooker. He set the burner on high and turned on the television, waiting for his Chicken Tikka Masala to cook.

The cooker made a noisy racket as it mashed together all its contents and released steam from the top. Naveen increased the volume on the TV. It occurred to him that instead of calling Mom, he could have installed a cooking app on the iPhone which had step-by-step instructions. There was an app for everything on the iPhone.

The iPhone…Where was it? He had it all the while he was cooking. Where did he put it?

He froze. His hands began to tremble.

“Holy fucking shit.” He leapt out of his seat and raced to the cooker. Twice his mom had told him to put everything inside the cooker. She probably didn’t mean the iPhone.

Beads of sweat formed on his forehead. The cooker sounded its first whistle. He was about to pry the lid open, when he stopped himself. He used a spoon to lift the air vent and turned his face away as the steam gushed out.

After the last of the steam was out, he opened the lid and looked inside. He put on gloves, reached in and brought out what was a corpse of the iPhone in a curry-soaked grave. The screen was a series of cracks, the back side had broken, the volume and power buttons had come off. The iPhone drowned in gravy. Pieces of chicken smothered it from all sides.

R.I.P.: Naveen’s iPhone, whose last app download could have been a self-preserving one.

So, as you can see, Naveen is every cell phone’s worst nightmare. Time and again, he circumvents the phone manufacturers’ best efforts to make a reliable, long-lasting device. Look out all you latest models. Naveen is shopping for a new phone.